Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas my bad ass readers!
As it's Christmas Eve's Eve (stupid I know, but it's trending on Twitter so that makes it okay) I decided to write a blog about what the hell I think about Christmas AND as an added bonus I vow that I will not swear in this post. Instead I will use obvious words that let you know that there would be a swear word in their place. You're welcome =D
Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, but as religion is down and consumerism is up, Christmas is about PRESENTS, food, drink, loved ones and a fat white man that breaks into your house and doesn't rob you (good times).
Christmas gets people gassed. Suddenly random people decide to greet you on the street, everyone is frigging smiling at each other, and homeless people walk around in dirty Santa hats with their disease ridden dogs on the train and actually get money from more than one passenger. It's like magic. I think that it's a bit sad that it takes stupid holidays for people to be nice to each other, but any other day everybody's got an attitude.
As we get older Christmas evidently becomes LESS fun because some Grinch reveals that Santa Clause isn't real, and for some reason people think that because we're older it's okay NOT to buy us presents (a fact that I am still struggling with).
I have a 7 year old brother (Lumpy) and every year this mini jerk face makes me jealous because over 3/4 of the friggin presents under the tree are for him. On Christmas morning he is happier than Cheapo (my mum) in a sale 'cause he gets to run downstairs at stupid times in the morning and sit under the tree for an hour to end up surrounded by heaps of tacky wrapping paper and showing off his new things while Lasho (my other brother) and I look on in envy remembering when that was us. Ahh memories.
So now that we're all big and hard back, the only good thing about Christmas is bucking up with those close to you, drinking enough to really put the merry in 'Merry Christmas', TV (or in my case exclusive knock off DVDs courtesy of my uncle) and Christmas dinner.
Am I the only person that watches those Sainsbury's/Morrison's/M&S/Iceland adverts with their versions of Christmas dinner and think 'Bruv, that is NOT Christmas dinner'. Those ads make me want to find a random white person on the street that has those things for Christmas dinner and bring them around my lot, point to the food and be like, "That is what the frig Christmas dinner is supposed to look like. Now go back to your family and with every bite of your dry ass (ass is not a swear word it's a blasphemy :p) meal I want you to remember all of this and be JEALOUS! Jealous I say."
Christmas dinner at a black house is basically all of our best dishes served up at the same time. It's like going to a Christening/Wedding but without having to dress up and go to a decorated community centre =). I was going to list the food...but then I thought that that would make me sound craven so just use your imagination. Can I just say this though...the left-overs are PEAK alie lol.
Now, I was having a little chit chat with Grumpo (my dad) earlier on and he made a good point about presents. It was something along the lines of people like gifts that they actually want for Christmas or they just end up with things that they don't use (he's pretty darn logical when it comes to...life, my Grumpo).
Even though I end up with less presents, I'm not that fussed because I end up with stuff that I actually want (as opposed to some of you that get bogus stuff like socks or underwear).
Don't you hate when people give you the most random sh- WAIT I'm not supposed to swear =( darn it - when people give you the most random things. One thing that I can't STAND getting is those make up kits that are clearly designed for white girls (what the hell am I supposed to do with pink blusher/blue eye shadow/peach coloured foundation ¬_¬ don't make me chop you in the mouth on Christmas Day please) or bath/cheap perfume sets (them BAIT gifts).
Bath/perfume sets are annoying because you CLEARLY didn't put any thought into my gift. You went to Boots, hollered at them 3 for 2 offers, gave me one of those gifts and basically said 'Merry Christmas, you're not worth a second thought and you smell!'
I remember one year someone got me a perfume set with FAKE TAN in it ¬_¬ I repeat -FAKE TAN! Why on GOD'S GREEN EARTH would you buy a BLACK girl FAKE TAN? I didn't even pretend to be grateful. I looked at them and said O_O "You bought me fake tan?"
The thing that gets on my nerves even more than that is when I get someone something good and they have the cheek to get me one of those afterthought presents. I feel to take their gift back and give them a Primark gift card.
Now I realise that I sound spoilt, but as usual *shrug* I'm not bothered. This is how the frig I feel and if you don't like it (insert appropriate insult here since I'm not allowed to).
Now I know that this next one is not just me; Christmas cards! Every time I get one from someone that didn’t present me with a gift I shake it out first, and if nothing falls out then I check the envelope before checking the card AGAIN. If after that thorough inspection I see that there is no money, I feel a part of my Christmas spirit die. I don't like empty cards - there I said it. I think that they are a waste of trees because I'm not even happy that you gave me one. It's not even like you wrote a witty comment in there for me to crack a smile at; it just says 'To Scotty (the printed card greeting in the middle) From ____". ¬_¬ Those are the kind of people that get hugs from me for Christmas.
Any who, I hope that each and every one of you has a smashing Christmas and a Happy New Year. Drink, eat, drink, laugh, drink and love (and drink a little more) to the fullest. It's the one day of the year when you can be drunk and blame it on being 'Festive' (I'm festive most of the time =D ) so take advantage of it.
I hope you get the gifts that you want and no empty cards.
Hold tight those of you that will get up and go to church. That right there is some WILL POWER, cause my backside will be in my bed dreaming of unholy things...like murder, drugs and sex (mostly sex) =)
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