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CEO of Swear Down TV//Radio host on Swear Down Radio//Writer of 'The Unfamous'//Blogger//BAD ASS//

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Monday, 4 October 2010

Periods: The gift and the curse

OK, so I actually came up with something to gas about like 2 seconds after my gay ass welcome note: PERIODS!

Now you may be thinking 'Why is this object of sheer awesomness choosing to talk about this crap' and I'll tell you why...because I can! =)

So any who, I was thinking about the dreaded monthly cycle and the way we females just par it off when really and truly we should be thanking it -bare with me this is actually going somewhere. 

'Why should we thank our period?' you say; well I'll tell you why.

Scenario 1

I'mma take it back to them secondary school days. You're at school walking around like you're spice with your new hairdo (you know dem ones with the cornrows at the front with the bobbles dangling from the ends, the fan in the middle tied up with one next piece of ribbon and a few lollipops in the side, and two bunches at the back...yeah dat lol) and you realise that you have a P.E. lesson coming up later that day. P.E. = exercise = sweat  = your hair looking sheggid on the way home, or if you had one of them gassed schools like me your P.E. lesson may =swimming = water = your hair is written off for the rest of the week! 
Now let's not gas, black women don't like to get their hair fucked after we spent all that time gelling down our baby hairs that same morning, so this is where the period came in handy. 
You rolled up in that lesson clutching your stomach and gassed up the P.E. teacher 'bout "Miss, I've got cramps." BOOM BAM, no P.E.! 

That is one of the great things about periods, you don't have to be on it to use it as an excuse to not do something.

Scenario 2

You're linking some guy you like and he's tryna put the moves on you mad -I'm talking you lot are hugged up on his bed (spooning of course), the lights are out and he's put on one SHIT DVD that he knows neither of you actually want to watch and he's giving you them sexy romance talks and YOU. ARE. ON IT... but you know that you can't do anything coz it's the first time you're linking and it's not a good look to offer up the tunush at these early stages. 
You give yourself a bly and engage in some kissing, then things start getting heavy coz the kissing is ON POINT... then you feel his hands going to your jeans (PAUSE). 
This is the perfect time to draw for the period card. 
You drop that to him one time he aint gonna try gas you or nothing. Boys hate periods more than we do. You lot can jam and watch the shit film, then you can take your no-period-having ass home with your head held high knowing that you fought temptation and with the added bonus of knowing that his ass is calling you again to try a next time. Cool.

Scenario 3

This is actually the peakest example. 
You know them ones where you and your man got caught up in the moment and you forgot to holler at that morning after pill but you don't think anything of it (don't stunt, some of us get stupid like that sometimes). Anywho, life goes on and you realise 'rah, I aint seen my period in a hot minute'. 
Now your ass is scared! 
You start panicking thinking 'fuck, what if I'm pregnant' (it's tense) and there's no point in you going to the clinic for a test cause you have to wait for at least two weeks after the time you beat before you can one, so you are PRAYING that your period comes (trust me). 
Is it not the greatest relief in the WORLD when your period finally shows up when you get a pregnancy scare?!? 
Shit! It makes you wanna celebrate don't it

Right, last one

Scenario 4

You are actually on your period now and you are going through that inner turmoil that makes you want to shoot a mofo if they say the wrong thing. Your stomach feels like some bastard punched you in it from the inside, you're just hot for no damn reason, you're body is bloated, you feel unclean and you've gotten so vex that this is happening to you that you've given yourself a headache. 
Ladies, this is the one opportunity where you can bad up your man an he will slyly have it because after all this isn't really you right? It's you're hormones talking, you're straight PMSing init Y). 
What a crock of shit! 
Ladies lets be honest, we are perfectly capable of being nice to people when that time of the month comes, but because we know that they believe this whole PMS rubbish, we just run with it. Your man has come to see you and he's just doin some unecessary dumbness which is working your last nerve...

You: You're getting on my nerves you know
Him: Oi what! Don't get rude
You: I'm not getting rude but you know I'm on my period and you're acting like some eediat
Him: What so cause you're PMSing I must shut up
You: Yes. I have cramps, my head is banging and all I want is some peace and quiet; is that to much to ask?
Him: Aight babes, I'm sorry

Lol okay I'm gassed! But you get the point. You can go off on him and drop the period bar and secretly get away with it.

So the moral of the story is; PERIODS ARE THE GREATEST EXCUSE EVER so embrace them!

Anywho, that is all the gas I have for you tonight. Lemme know what you think (by that I mean shower me with praise lol I'm playin...) and if there is anything you would like me to talk about let me know.

...Love Scotty

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