The Joys of Teen Sex

Yes I am blogging about that damn show and YES you shoulda seen this one coming.

Now before I begin can we please all bow our heads and say a prayer for all them nasty ass bitches (men included) and the shit parents that raised them. I have never seen so much vagina and inadequate penis's in my life.

When I first jumped on Twitter I had no idea what everyone was on about, all I saw was everyone harping on about gay people...so naturally I was intrigued. When I finally switched onto the show I turned to Jigz and I said 'What is this? Why are they encouraging kids to have sex'. Honestly I couldn't understand why they were like 'Yeah go out there, get fucked in your batty, suck some cocks, eat some pussy, golden showers all around; but juts make sure you're safe *thumbs up and cheesy wink*!" O_O What is this? Really?

Now usually when they do these little teen sex shows it's pretty much like sex education in school; periods, where a dick goes and 'hey have a free condom', but no; that was too polite for Channel 4. As informative as it was, let's be honest, we were all watching extremeist fetish porn with narrative.

I would like to officially begin my rant with  the first thing I saw (as usual I will use my handy little headings):

The Gays
Now anyone that follows me on Twitter (if you don't then, well, you just suck ass don't you) should know by now that I LOVE THE GAYS. I think that gays are bad ass cause they dress sick, they say camp shit like 'fabulous' *insert over the top finger snap here* and they take dick up the butt. Gay people are fucking SOLDIERS and need more ratings (it takes a strong man to have his battyhole opened up), so you can imagine how annoyed I was when people started passing lame ass homphobic comments. ¬_¬ Real talk, it's 2011; they're here, they're queer, get the FUCK over it 'cause your ass just looks straight ignorant. I thought that it was stupid that people were saying 'Errrgh why are they showing this, I don't wanna see this' ¬_¬ yeah cause they're showing it for YOU init. IT'S THERE SO THAT OTHER BATTY SHY GAY BOYS CAN GET ADVICE DIP SHIT! 
I don't give a FUCK, Channel 4 get ratings for that; FUCK a discrimination.
One thing I didn't get though was how a gay man was scared to get dick. You're gay, dick is right up your alley -no pun intended (lol well it was intended but *shrug* you know lol). Yes, anal sex is going to be painful but you chose to like man, you knew this was part of the deal so lube up sonny jim.

Vajazzle
Bitches love spending money on too much dumb shit. The Only Way Is Essex started this damn epidemic of sparkly fandangos, and when Ch 4 showed what one looked like I pushed up my face 'cause it looked fucking stupid and if you ask me it's a damn waste of money. Why are these girls walking around with fucking discoball vaginas like some damn discount pornstars. My advice is, if man dem like looking at shiny fannies so much, cover yours in some vaseline (fuck it, that's still too much money for this bullshit -make it some Brixton market petroleum jelly) then shake some damn  arts and crafts glitter on it. TA DA, it's a vajazzle!

Jizz in the mouth
O_O When that woman came on the screen with her man and said that his spunk tasted sour the first thing that came into my mind was 'Why the fuck is his jizz in your mouth simple bitch?' 
If I was the sex helper lady I woulda told that bitch staright, "When you see his leg clench up, and he let's the bitch inside of him out with that moan that he has been tryna hold in the whole time, and his face is screwed up, take it out your damn mouth, let your hands do the rest of the work and aim his piece so it lands somewhere on him." REAL! Instead this simple bitch tells this woman to make her man eat some fucking pineapple so it will taste sweeter. Pineapples aint even in season right now so watch the supermarkets sell out of it QUICK FAST cause of these tickle dick lil boys, "It's all right now babe, it's sweet, it's sweet." ¬_¬ what part of 'sweet spunk' sounds any better than 'sour spunk'? IT'S STILL FUCKING SPUNK. No thanks, I'll pass.
When the sex helper lady sugessted that the man taste his own semen I thought YES! I think when all you boys have your bedtime wank tonight you should sample yourself and then maybe you won't be so on trying to buss where you shouldn't.

Contraception
When this topic came up I finally understood the DIRE need for a show like this. Is Britain made up of simple herpes wanting bitches or something? How can you LOOK at someone and tell if they have an STI or not. Do you have an integrated STI detector in your damn vagina? Bitches like that deserve to get AIDS ¬_¬ stupid girl. GO LOOK CONDOM!
Don't even get me started on that 16 year old that found every excuse under the sun not to use contraception. If I was her mother she wouldn't be lookin no contraception coz her fast ass would know to keep her legs closed. If she even looked at a penis she would be getting a karate chop in her damn neck O_O 'Keep your eyes above the equator bitch. Aint shit for you down there'.
Did you hear what that girl said about some dude licking a fucking GENITAL WART out of some girl's VAGINA! WHAT IS THIS? 
Fuck it, if I have a daughter, straight chastity belt flex. No long ting. I am burying the key to that shit in a slab of concrete under a mat in the back yard until she's 18. You need to earn the right to dick first. Don't stress me.

Piercings
I don't have a dick, but when that needle buss through mans piece O_O O_O O_O, I felt it *shivers*. Why would you do that 2 yourself? If you want to increase your sexual pleasure, start fucking people who know what the fuck they are doing...or smoke some weed. Either one works.

Anyway that's all I care to say. Trust and know I will be watching again next week (as I know will some mandem equipped with a bottle of lotion, a box of Kleenex and a fucking PINEAPPLE).

As usual get at me via my links at the top of the page.

I've been bad ass, you've been *shrug* eh -thanks for reading =D.

Love Scotty

SCOTTY'S TOP TEN SEXIEST WHITE MEN

So after the appreciation I received from my top 10 black men list I thought that it was only right that before you ladies hit the sheets you get a dose of white chocolate too lol. Now I am warning you lot from now, if you weren't on my wave with the black guys then you definitely won't be on my wave with the white guys lol. Anyway, enough talk, let's do this lol.

10. Orlando Bloom He is just plain gorgeous. There is no particular feature of his that stands out to me, he is one of those people who is just well put together. The weirdest thing is, I always seem to fancy him more when he is playing fantasy characters (don't look at me like that, man was a SEXY elf. Yes yes Legolas!). The thing that actually sold me on this British boy wonder was the scene at the end of Pirate of the Caribbean: At World's End when he became captain of the Flying Dutchman O_O I never knew a bandana could do so much for a man until that moment.

9. Paul Walker  Black girls love them some Paul Walker. He falls into the category of the black white boy (this type of white boy is always a universal favourite with us black girls). He may not actually be like that in real life but from what we've seen of him in the Fast and Furious movies he is, and that is enough for us to love him.

8. Robert Pattinson  Now no sexiest white boy list of mine would be complete if I didn't have 'Edward Cullen' on it. I'm not actually concerned about Rob himself, it's the Twilight haze that has me gassed on him. Some of you may be Team Jacob but that's your business; I LOVE EDWARD. I swear down, that kiss scene between him and Bella in the first film was EPIC. You know when you could fully sit there and watch it and be like 'That is some grade A kissing right there'. You know when that kiss looked better than sex. It's peak (don't look at me like that, these times you would FULLY want a man to kiss you like that RIGHT NOW!)

7. Brad Pitt  Let's be honest, we all saw this coming.  Brad Pitt is CERTIFIED sexual white chocolate. There are several films that I have watched him do the nasty with chicks in and would GLADLY take their place (especially Troy. When the camera goes for that wide shot and you just see him lying there naked and shit *bites fist* let me stop). Also, Brad gets extra rating for his Jamaican accent in Meet Joe Black. Dude is down. He spoke like he was a damn native.

6. Jason Lewis  O_O You know dem ones where this is self explanatory and I don't need to say ANYTHING else. Cool. Onto the next one

5. Colin Farrell  Dude is hot because he is bad ass, simple as. He just carries on reckless and doesn't give a FUCK. We all love a bad boy every now and then and Colin is mine, plus, I love his accent. Irish people ROCK!

4.  Zac Efron  this boy is the new generation of Brad Pitt. He started out as some jarring, too pretty Disney kid in the annoyingly chirpy, overly cheesy 'High School Musical', but my, my, my, he has grown up since then. He is still pretty as fuck for no damn reason, but as he is getting older he is getting manish and his pretty boy face is now straight sexy. When I watched him in Charlie St Cloud my damn jaw was on the floor and I kept thinking 'Oh his eyes are so BLUE'. He is just a beautiful specimen.

3. Channing Tatum  Now if black girls love them some Paul Walker, it aint damn near half as much as we love us some Channing. Dude just oozes sex and he's got that black boy swag that would make you consider nooging him and then some. Channing Tatum is so fine that you wouldn't give a fuck what people had to say about you being with a white boy, you'd just look at them and say 'Do you not see him?' What can they really tell you after that? NOTHING COZ HE'S FUCKING HOT!

2. Johnny Depp  If any white dude is CERIFIED then Johnny is definetly one of them. I don't know wheter its the Native American in him or the fact that he is the world's sexiest pirate, but this guy is so freaking GORGEOUS *swoon*. Whether he's being bummy, getting his rock star on, a member of the Mafia, a druglord, or a perpetually drunk cockney pirate with fucked up dreads, eyeliner and gold teeth, this dude is so damn SEXY. Savvy.

1. Iam Somerhalder  It had to be done. Ian is possibly the freaking hottest vampire EVER. He was cute in Lost as Boone, but as the dark, brooding, semi-psychotic Damon Salavatore in The Vampire Diaries he is the defnition of SEXY. FUCK a Stefan ok, TEAM DAMON ALL DAY EVERY DAY! He could kidnap me, tie me up, bite me, I don't give a shit! You know them ones where if he was really a vampire he wouldn't have to compel me because I would go to him WILLINGLY. I want to be one with him. I would make him turn me and spend eternity vampire sexing his brains out. *Ahem* so yeah, I love him init.

Now after compiling this list I still stand by what I said in  my first list, black men are still the finest men on the planet, but white boys are holding it down for their team. I must say though, I do think that they are more pretty than sexy. As hot as they are I didn't get that same illicit thrill as I did with my sexiest black man list *shrug* what can I say, I love the brothers.

It's 2am and my ass is getting tired so good night to you all. For those that don't know, if you wanna get at me my links are at the top.

Love Scotty

SCOTTY'S TOP TEN SEXIEST BLACK MEN =D

Hey readers. It's Sunday, aint shit to do so why not ogle at topless chocolate men with me =D (you know you want to).

So basically I was halfway through writing this post and then Grumpo (my dad) jumped on my lappy and when he finished, instead of just closing his tab, he closed the whole server so now I have to start again ¬_¬.

When some of you got up this morning you were thinking about the lord and sorting out what you were going to wear to church, I on the other hand was thinking about MAN (cause I'm all wholesome and shit), so I decided that I was going to blog about men that I would potentially turn into a shameless groupie for (don't judge me).

I don't care what ANYONE says, BLACK MEN ARE THE FINEST MEN ON THE PLANET (can I get a amen). This is my top 10 SEXIEST brotha's -you may not agree with my list, but who cares!?!

Let us proceed

10. Trey Songz  Now Trey has been around for YEARS but some chicks only jumped on the Trey wave once he turned into this music video PORN STAR. I am not gonna stunt, I have always loved Trey, but MY GOD when I saw the 'I Invented Sex' video I was JEALOUS of that video girl (I'm even screwing the girl in the picture right now coz why is she touching him ¬_¬) so he HAD to make the list. Some of you would put him higher up, but as sexy as he is, my boy is still a young buck. He aint a sexual veteran yet so he get the last spot.

9. Lance Gross  Eva Pigford is a lucky, LUCKY woman. I would marry Mr Gross (and then some) in a friggin heartbeat. He is part of the new generation of sexual chocolate *bites lip*. I dunno what it is about dark skinned dudes but they just DO IT for me. I first discovered Lance in Tyler Perry's 'Meet The Brown's' movie, and since then I have been HOOKED!

8. Larenz Tate  aka 'Brother to the Night' *fans self*. Everytime I see this dude all I think of is 'Darius Lovehall' (hold tight my ladies that know about 'Love Jones'). I just look at him and them big boy poetry bars he was droppin in that film make me want to jump into the TV and take him the fuck home (holla if you hear me). I have to share my fave part of that poem:
"And I just wanna give you injections, of sublime erections
And get you to dance to my rhythm
Make you dream archaetypes, of black angels in flight
Upon wings, of distorted, contorted, metaphoric jism
Come on slim
Fuck yo' man, I ain't worried about him
It's you who I wanna step to my scene
Cause rather than deal with the fallacy
Of this dry ass reality
I rather dance and romance your sweet ass, in a wet dream
Who am I?
Well they all call me Brother to the Night
And right now, I'm the blues in your left thigh
Trying to become the funk in your right"

O_O BARS. If you don't know about 'Love Jones' then you need to get to know, TRUST ME!

7. Boris Kodjoe O_O breathe ladies, breathe. OOOOOWEEEE. I peeped this dude in another Tyler Perry film 'Madea's Family Reunion' (Tyler Perry sure knows how to pick 'em boi) and you know then ones where I fully stopped paying attention to the movie every time this dude hit the screen and sat there like some dunce repeating how beautiful he was and how much I love him. It's tense.

6. Tyson Beckford  Now who can forget the delectable (see how I'm pulling out the big words for him) Mr Beckford. I don't even have to explain why he is on this list because I am POSITIVE that you lot know about him and them lips of his. You ever looked at someone and just thought to yourself 'I would kiss the SHIT out of you'? That is what the hell I think when I see him.

5. Taye Diggs  Another self explanatory choice on my list. Taye is just that bait black movie hunk with one of the baddest smiles I've seen. You know dem ones where you see him smile and it just lights up your damn LIFE! The reason that Taye is so high up on my list is not only coz he's a CERTIFIED sexual veteran, but because of that firggin' SHOWER SCENE in 'How Stella Got her Groove Back'. His Jamaican accent throughout that film was APPALLING, but once I saw that shower scene ALL WAS FORGIVEN!

4. Tyrese Gibson  This R'n'B crooner /actor is probably the sexiest blackest man (my god he is black. I just wanna bite him to see if he tastes like dark chocolate lol) I have ever seen in my LIFE, and in the battle of the amazing smiles his one beats Taye Diggs. That sex scene in Baby Boy is what put him in the 4th spot coz I would  FULLY involve myself in some nooging like that and I aint ashamed to say it!

3. Morris Chestnut  Like Taye Diggs, Morris is another bait black movie head. I didn't put up a topless picture of him because this man is my husband (he is not aware of that fact but I think that the fact that I know that we are life partners is enough) so I had to present him on that respectful tip. I just look at him and think MARRIAGE. Doesn't he just look like a husband? Morris Chestnut is the man, and anyone who is not on that wave does not know shit about fine ass men.

2. Michael Jai White  O_O GYM! It was a hard choice putting Michael in 2nd spot and if my number 1 choice wasn't so damn HOT he would've definitely been number 1. Now I've always appreciated this dude, but after watching Blood and Bone (breathe) *flashback and fans self* I was a full convert. I have never in my life been so turned on by a man acting MANISH. Trust me ladies, if you watch Blood and Bone you will UNDERSTAND. When this dude is fucking up next man on that Tai Chi wave it is something special. I have never enjoyed watching a next man get his arms broken until I saw Michael do it. HE IS SO STRONG OMDZ! And he's got that Barry White kinda deep voice which makes me wish he would call my ass up for some pillow talk. And when he puts on clothes they just fit him RIGHT (you can see his muscles and shit even though he's covered up). The body is EPIC. I could go on for ages about how much I love him but my last guy needs attending to.

1. Ryan Gentles  *dramatically put hands on chest* Be still my beating heart. Never have I been so proud to be half Jamaican in my life; LOOK AT HIM. OH SWEET JESUS HE IS A GOD AMONG MEN! His dreads are gorgeous, his body is gorgeous, his lips, his eyes, his skin; gorgeous, gorgeous, GORGEOUS! And I know you lot clocked the bulge in his pants. It's something like emotional right now. If I continued then my words would get a little too X-Rated so I'm gonna fall back lol.

Anyway that was my top 10 (you're welcome lol). Make sure you get at me and check out my other stuff via the links at the top of the page.

Love Scotty

Little Girls Need To Stop Opening Their Legs ¬_¬

Hey readers, hope everybody's feelin bad ass and all that good shit. I'm back with another little rant (I should rename the damn blog Scotty Rants coz all I do on here is cuss about shit), this one is about FAST ASS LITTLE GIRLS (breathes and takes a moment to control rage).

Over the past week I have had a few similar questions on my Formspring where friends are telling about how their friends are carry on like some everyday DIRTS.

Now, there are girls that carry on like dirts anyway (we women with self respect are still struggling to understand these loose pussy antics) but it seems that there is no age limit to the dirtism (yes I did just make that word up, and what!). How can I have more than 1 person asking me what to about their 12 YEAR OLD bredrins sexing man? O_O 


WHAT IS THIS? 
I DON'T UNDERSTAND! 
WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS?

First of all, I don't believe that the legal age to start fucking is high enough anyway, I think it should be 18 because when you're 16 YOU'RE STILL A FUCKING CHILD! I don't give a FUCK if you are in college and you feel like you are grown, YOU'RE NOT! That being said, from 16 is not a big enough age for you to be getting your grown woman on, how the FUCK do some of you figure that anything below that is?

12! 
SERIOUSLY! 

At them ages you probably aint even got no substantial amount of breasts, pubes or even a fucking PERIOD, so why do you assume that it's legit for you to be spreading your legs?

Now I was racking my brain trying to think of who exactly these little fresh out of PRIMARY SCHOOL12 year olds were sexing and I figured that they probably got gassed by some older boy cause that just always seems to be the case ¬_¬, (I don't rate NO MAN that will sex up little girls, low them paedophile flexes, go look gyal your own age you tramp) because aint no 12 year old boy got any tools sufficient enough to THOROUGHLY  deal with a poom poom (these times they've got them premature year 7 willies and who really wants to waste their time with that?).

I really cant comprehend why girls of these young ages are doing these things coz when I was 12 I wasn't interested in getting DICK, much less BOYS. When I was 12 boys still had the friggin lurgies (or however u spell that chupidness), and the only boys that I even batted an eyelash at were the ones that resided between the pages of Word Up, Right On and Black Beat magazines (holla if you hear me).

Every time I make a public appearance (I'm playing) and I'm forced to be around these dickhead little girls that are still in school and talking about which boys house they were at and all the FUCKERIES that they were doing I get instant rage in my chest. You know when you hear them talking like that and you just feel to MORPH into their MUM and give them one dirty FUCK lick in their face 

O_O *BAM* "Who is T.Man?" *BAM* "What the fuck were you doing at his house? You told me that you were at Keisha's house you likkle dutty rass" *BAM* "You let him put his what in your where?" *BAM BAM BAM KAMAEHAMAHAAAAAAAA.......SONIC BOOOOOM*

OH THE BEATING I WOULD GIVE THEM!

I will be the first one to hold up my hands and say that sex is the shit. Aint nothing better in this world than some GOOD DICK (can I get a AMEN). We must all praise Trey Songz for inventing sex because the shit is AMAZING, so amazing that it is worth waiting for.

The thing that these girls FAIL to understand is that SEX ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE. Dick will be around until the end of time so why are you fasting up yourself to get some?

Those of you that choose to buss your cherry way before your time are going to end up with 2 things: a bucket pussy and a bad rep. Don't let boys or your fast ass friends gas you into sleeping with someone.

*Serious face*
Sex is meant to be an intimate act between two people that care about each other and in this day and age it seems as if our generation has forgotten that. We're all about links and one night stands, and it seems that relationships come into the equation less often than they should.

Going a little off topic: Girls (young and old) let me say this now; YES the whole double standard between men and women is unfair but the fact of the matter is that boys can get away with being slags and not be judged for it; THE RULES ARE NOT THE SAME FOR YOU. You can try to defend your actions and preach all you want, but at the end of the day in society's eyes YOU'RE STILL A HOE. If you want to have lots of sex then fine, but keep your tunush exclusive (it's the way forward).

I feel better now that that is off of my chest. =D

By now you lot should know the deal; if you want to get at me or check out what else I dabble in the links are at the top of my blog page under the banner.

Until the next time I get angry about some shit, stay bad ass Y)

Love Scotty

Abortions, Teen Pregnancy and Safe Sex

Hey readers =). First of all I would like to say that I am glad that 'Fatty Boom Boom 101' had such a positive reaction and actually helped boost confidence with my fluffy massive.

Today I'm gonna try and get a little more serious with the blog and discuss abortion, teen pregnancy and safe sex (but mostly abortion).

Yesterday on my Formspring someone asked me what my views on abortion were so I decided that this would be a good topic for me to elaborate on.

First things first; I am PRO-CHOICE. Some of you may not agree with this, but as it says under my blog banner 'you don't have to agree, it's not your blog'. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and this is mine.

My personal belief is that a child should only be brought into the world when the primary environment it is entering is stable. When people decide to have children they should be in a position to provide their child with the best life possible. Having a child when you are CLEARLY not ready isn't doing you or the baby ANY favours.

Here are some reasons to illustrate why I am pro-choice:

If you were raped
I think this example is a perfect example of  why it's okay to be pro-choice. If someone forced themselves on you and you got pregnant from it, the chances are you are not going to want that baby. I understand that every child is a blessing, but can you honestly apply that to a baby that was conceived during something as traumatising as rape, because I couldn't. I would see that baby as a constant reminder of what happened.

If you are a child yourself 
Shit happens, and yes if a young girl thinks that she is big enough to go sex up man then she should be big enough to deal with the consequences, but lets be real, anyone can open their legs but not anyone can be a parent. Nowadays little girls are too fast to get on their back like say it's okay; it's not, if you are under the legal age then keep your fucking legs closed and stop look man. I don't agree with babies having babies because to me there is so much more that they need to experience in life like getting a decent education, and the other perks of being a teenager before they get tied down by a baby. That being said, some young girls have made the decision to have children and are doing all right for themselves, but I still think that having a baby is not something to be taken lightly.
Some girls use the prospect of getting a council flat or trapping a boy that doesn't want to be with them as a reason to have a kid. Those girls get NO ratings. Since when was a COUNCIL FLAT a perk. There are people that are working hard to get out of council estates cause they know it's shit, yet you purposely wanna put yourself in one to get a little bit of freedom ¬_¬; REALITY CHECK, you're not getting freedom because now you have a baby on the way you PRAT. As for those girls that keep their baby in the hope that the boy they are pregnant for will be with them, what fucking planet are you living on? Most (not ALL) boys feel no way to leave you with the baby. Yeah some of them are decent enough to help you out with raising it, but they won't be with you. Get a clue.

If you haven't got your life sorted 
As I said earlier on, if you are not in a stable position to raise a child then there is nothing wrong with getting rid of it. Motherhood is a serious business and if it's not something that you are ready to commit to, or you don't have the necessary tools to deal with, then don't bother because chances are you'll be a shit parent (this doesn't apply to EVERYONE). I know that's harsh but I'm being real.

If the person you are pregnant for is not someone that you would not have wanted to have a child with in the first place
This is one of the weaker reasons. In my opinion, you shouldn't be fucking someone that you would want to get pregnant for in the first place because the risk of pregnancy is always there. I really can't get my head around people that don't practice safe sex. There are TOO MANY different forms of contraception for any of you to find yourself  in this position. There are condoms, injections, implants, diaphragms, coils, the pill, and if you were careless enough not to use any of these there is the fucking MORNING AFTER PILL, which you can take up to 72 hours after sex. That's 3 WHOLE FRIGGIN DAYS! The extra pisstake is that all this shit is FREE!
Don't abuse the fact that you can get an abortion; ABORTION IS NOT A FRIGGIN FORM OF CONTRACEPTION dumb ass.
Although I am less sympathetic in these cases, I still believe that abortion is acceptable because if you do have that child you are now tied to the baby's father for the rest of your LIFE -it's peak for you if he's some loser man.

People that are judgemental of those that do choose to have abortions should consider the position that that person is in before they come down on them. Just because you could handle dealing with the consequences of your discrepancies, doesn't mean that they can. (For those of you that are wondering, NO I have never had an abortion).

That's all I can think of to say on that matter. Feel free to leave a comment whether you agree or disagree.

As usual, you can get at me or check out the other things that I do by using the links at the top of the blog. 

Love Scotty

Fatty Boom Boom 101

Whaddup readers, and an extra special whaddup to all my fat bitches =D hey guuuurrrrrllllll!

This post was inspired by some of the questions on my Formspring. I get a lot of questions from fellow big girls who are insecure about the way they look and seek my advice about how to deal with these things, so I decided that I was going to write a blog to (hopefully) boost every insecure fat girl's confidence and give out a few tips.

Now you lot already know how I stay, I'm not about to sugar coat shit to protect anyone's feelings. I'm gonna call it like I see it cause bullshit is long and never helped anybody.

I love my fellow jelly bellies, but boy do I HATE you lot when I have to go shopping. It's like as soon as a good piece of clothing comes out you lot just RUSH the shop and buy out all the 16/18 and I'm left GLARING at all the skinny bitch sizes whilst I wish death on all of you (don't look at me like that, you know that life would be better if there were less fatties around to buy up all the good shit).

Anyway, let me stop cussing and actually attempt to help you lot.

Fuck A Stretch Mark
Don't you hate those little suckers -I know I do. Stretch marks totally SUCK ASS because they look like you've been mauled my a damn ferocious BEAST, and unless you are PAID there aint no way that you are getting rid of them. Once they're there, that's it. Even if your ass loses weight they will still be there. Now this particular reason is why I don't let my stretch marks bother me as much as they used to. I used to be REALLY insecure about them, so much that I never wore short sleeved tops (or anytime I did I made sure to cover my arms with a hoody/cardigan/bolero etc). I found it really frustrating because I could never wear the fashions that I liked, and when the weather decided to get hot my fat ass was sweating like a fucking WALRUS. After a talk with a good friend of mine, I simply accepted that they were there and told myself that sitting around sulking about them and inconveniencing myself for the rest of my life because of them was pretty fucking stupid. Life is a short so why waste it by upsetting yourself over trivial things like stretch marks.
A lot of you were more insecure about havig stretch marks because of what guys would think and let me tell you this now (hand on my heart) REAL MEN DON'T GIVE A FUCK! Loads of women, big or small, have stretch marks, so any dude that thinks that it's an issue is immature. I'm glad to say that in my experience none of the guys I've been with have found it to be an issue, even when I did. If a guy likes you then they like you, and if you're a fat girl then things like stretch marks are to be expected, your fat for fuck sake.


Tip: If you want to make your stretch marks less visible then use skin products with VITAMIN E in them (I recommend Palmers Cocoa Butter or Bio Oil).

Don't Compare Yourselves To Skinny Bitches
If you take ANYTHING away from this blog then this one is essential. Now, because of the way society views beauty in general, in most cases slimmer women will be deemed more attractive than a big girl by default (even if this is not the case). Skinny bitches are not your competition, fat bitches are (remember that). When I go out I'm not watching no skinny bitches, I'm scoping out the rest of you roly poly oly's for validation that I look fly. I'm not concerned with being the flyest bitch in a rave, I'm tryna be the flyest fat bitch ya dig! Lol <--I'm laughing, ¬_¬ but I'm not joking. This kind of thinking also helps boost confidence because once you stop comparing yourself to females that you have nothing physically in common with, you find less flaws in the way you look. It's logical.

Wear What Fucking Suits You
I love a confident big girl, it's a good look, but MY GOD some of you need to be slapped with a fucking reality check. As a plus size girl you MUST understand that there is certain shit that your chunky butt can't pull off. I hate seeing fat girls in belly tops/bikini's/see through tops or anything else that is ONLY meant to be on a skinny bitch. You look like a JOKE! You ever just see a fat girl wearing some shit that she shouldn't be and just thought to yourself 'YOU ARE LETTING THE SIDE DOWN!' Seriously, I can't stand it because it makes me feel embarrassed for you. You don't look sexy with your belly and your rolls hanging out, EVER and I don't know what dickhead man gassed you into thinking that you do. Some of you curvier fatties may be able to get away with this if your middle doesn't pertrude too much, but the rest of you ¬_¬ I beg you don't try it.
For those of you that dress like you haven't accepted that you are large and in charge, get a fucking clue. Why are you wearing jeans that cut your gut in two? Why is your top so tight that it looks like your rolls are eating it? Why are your sleeves strangling your arms? Why do your feet look like a loaf of bread is rising out of your shoe? These are the questions we must ask ourselves. BUY YOUR FUCKING SIZE! I don't business if you can still squeeze yourself into a size 14, your clothes look like you are about to bust out of them on some Incredible Hulk tip.
For those of you that know you are big but wear shit that is too big in an attempt to hide the flab ¬_¬ you look like a tramp. Clothes that are too big for you just make you look frumpy and they also make you look bigger than you really are.

Clothing Tips

• If you are top heavy, balance your shape out by wearing darker colours on top and lighter colours at the bottom -vice versa if you're bottom heavy
• Although black is slimming, colours are always more flattering so don't shy away from them
• Invest in loads of bad ass accessories, trust me, it makes ALL the difference to an outfit (I have TONS)
• Strapless clothing is good for fuller figures because you carry the least weight on your shoulders, so don't be scared to flaunt them
• Empire line dresses and waist belts are great for cinching you in in the right places to give you an hourglass look, even if you don't have one (like myself)
• I don't fuck with spanx cause I think they kinda suck (for me anyway), but tights are great for holding you in
• Always have 1 statement item on you and focus the rest of your look around that.

That's all my rebore Gok Wan gas. I recommend that you watch his shows because the man is a friggin genius!


Where To Shop
EVANS! Hahahaha I'm playing, ¬_¬ Evans is SHIT. They just make alll those bait 'plus size' clothes that no one actually wants to wear like flowy tops and flared jeans. FUCK a Evans - they do have some nice jewellry though ;).
I tend to shop in places like New Look, River Island, George (yes the clothing section in ASDA and I don't give a FUCK how you feel about it cause they have some good shit!), H&M, PRIMARK (obviously, but not so much anymore as the quality of their clothes are getting kinda frass but yet they wanna put the prices up like we're some DICKHEADS), Dorothy Perkins and Foot Locker (I like their t-shirts *shrug*). Most of these shops go up to size 18 (some of them may go higher) and they don't sell that generic fat girl rubbish like Evans, you can actually get REAL fashion that suits you and doesn't make you look like a plus size hippie bitch.
In terms of underwear, as most of us fluffy chicks have bigger breasts it is better to buy more expensive underwear because it provides better support. DO NOT buy a bra from Primark and think that it's okay because the chances are that your breasts are going to weigh the straps down, the underwire is gonna buss out and STAB you in the chest or the armpit, or your breasts are gonna look like you aint wearing a bra anyway (I speak from experience. Primark bras suck ASS). The best place to get a bra is La Senza, Bravissimo, Ann Summers OR (if you don't want to spend £20+ on a bra) GEORGE. Hand on my heart I have 2 bras from there and they are SICK! Plus they cost under a tenner and they go up to WHAM sizes.

Boys
Someone asked me the other day where is a good place for big girls to go to meet men. My reply was: OUTSIDE ¬_¬. There is no specific type of man that likes  big women (aside from those creepy chubby chasers of course *shivers*). Sure not every guy has a taste for the larger ladies (men like that don't know any better and it is your job to school them lol), but to be honest, you're just a girl that just so happens to be big. Something I MUST highlight is that don't think that just because you are big that you should settle. FUCK A SETTLE! There are too many ugly ass bitches running around out there with SEXY ASS men for you to think that you don't deserve someone good looking just because you've got a few extra pounds. Like who you want to like and be with who you want to be with regardless of what it will look like to outsiders.

FUCK The Haters
My last point -IF PEOPLE WANT TO DISS YOU AND WRITE YOU OFF JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE FAT THEM FUCK THEM! IF YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE FLY THEN BITCH YOU CARRY ON BEING FLY! One thing that I live by is SELF LOVE (as you lot may have picked up on by the way I constantly compliment myself lol). It's the way FORWARD. Once you learn to truly love yourself, then what small minded people think is just water off a ducks back. Intead of focusing on your flaws, concentrate on what you do like about youself and the rest will fall into place. The best way to launch into self-proclaimed awesomness is to spruce (that word is so neeky) yourself up. Go shopping, get your hair/nails/feet/vagina (just a suggestion) done, get some new make up...you get the point. When you look good, you feel good. Use what you have and *camp voice* work it gurrrrl.

I hope that my ghetto fat bitch wisdom has helped. You're all BAD ASS and don't you forget it.

If you want to get at me click the links at the top of this page, follow me on this blogger ting, leave a comment, click the lil tick boxes below, and spread the word of my bad assness!

Love Scotty

The Unfamous Audio Book - Chapter 1

Tired of being the underdog Rio Greene decides that it's time to re-invent herself and what better place to start than her new university. One problem, her past won't go away. Filled with thrilling twists, exciting cliff hangers, deception, sex and violence 'The Unfamous' is sure to keep you on your toes.

As most of you should know by now, over the past year I have been writing a story on Facebook called 'The Unfamous'. My story gained a lot of attention and Book One was made into a stage play last year September by the Flourish Drama Company and was the FIRST play to ever SELL OUT the Lost Theatre. I have recently decided to make it into an audio book, so here is chapter one. Check it out and lemme know what you think (good or bad) and if you like it then please subscribe to my channel.

If you would like to read the story then click the links at the top of my page (The Unfamous (Book 1&2), My WattPad, My Tumblr) .

Love Scotty

DeliBoy makes a Vlog reply to my 'Why the Hell Men Should Go Down' post

Hold tight my boy Deliboy, this shit is funny as hell! 

*Sings* RUG MUNCHERS! *cheesy grin and a thumbs up*

Don't know what I'm on about? Watch the damn video!

Your blog post on the chris brown vs 'raz b' had me cracking up!!!!!!!

Good stuff =)

Ask me anything

Why The Hell Men Should Go Down

'Oi you, are you gonna nyam?' 

'NO! Bad man don't do dem tings'  ¬_¬ 

OH how I am tired of hearing this BULLSHIT! It's 2011 and yet there are still some men out there that are adamant that they are not gonna sample the fandango. (RAGE) Why?

Boys that don't give head always come with the same STALE argument 'Fuck dat, I'm  not eating pussy! You lot have periods and ting down there and you want me to put my mouth on it?' ¬_¬ YES YOU SIMPLETON! You  have sweaty balls and hood cheese but you expect us to do it to you init? Fuck outta here! BITCH, you better get on your damn knees and eat this pussy like a man! Sheeet! 

Another excuse these dickheads like to use it that their friends don't do it ¬_¬ Bruv, YOUR FRIENDS ARE LYING TO YOU. AT LEAST 5 OF THEM HAVE DONE IT/ARE DOING IT/ARE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING IT.

For YEARS dudes were complaining about girls that didn't want to give head like there was something wrong with us for not doing it, so now most of us have jumped on it. The joke ting is that the same men that were complaining about girls NOT giving head, are the same SELFISH ASSES that refuse to return the favor like this is some fucking free for all!

Ladies, I say that from now on, if your man won't go down on you, don't go down on them and see how much they like NOT getting head.

I would like to take this time out to commend every dude that is already on this EPIC head giving wave (whether you stunt like you don't do it or are proud to do it). You man are the way FORWARD because you KNOW that eating vaj is one of the best decisions you've ever made! All you BACKWARDS man need to holler at a rug muncher and let him tell you how certain aspects of his life has improved just because he does this. 

Now I probably shouldn't be revealing these trade secrets, but Britain needs more coochie eaters dammit, 'cause America is overflowing with them :( that shit is UNFAIR.

Here are my reasons why men should give head:

1. Your girl will let more shit slide -if I'm lying, I'm flying! Real talk fellas, if you know how to eat a tunush RIGHT O_O OOOOWEEEEE we will let you get away with more shit. You can talk wicked all you want, borrow our car and not refill the tank, run up our phone bill, eat up all the food in the damn house, play COD until your friggin hands fall off -as long as you put your mouth where the hell it needs to be when we're ready, WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU DO! (I may have slightly over-exaggerated what you can get away with...ok well I did over-exaggerate -talk wicked to WHO? -but you can still get away with more things....like not using a coaster for your drink or some shit).

2. Your girl will treat you BETTER. Although the amount of British dudes that chow down has risen A LOT in the past year, there are still too many non-eaters, so when we females find one, we are playing for KEEPS 'cause if we let you loose there is too big a chance that our next dude will not be on that wave. Can you imagine going from being with someone that gives head on a regs, to someone that won't do it AT ALL O_O FUCK THAT!

3. Your girl will give you the greatest sex she has to offer. If you thought she was puttin' it on you before....bruv, you know NOTHING. That bitch can fuck you HEAPS better than she's letting on, but you aint given her head yet. Hand on my heart, take a trip downtown and she will UNLEASH the SUPER FREAK (and if she's a freak already...O_O like I said, you know NOTHING!)

4. More girls will be on you -FACT. The moment you tell a girl that you eat poom poom you INSTANTLY become more attractive to us because all we're thinking is --> =D skeeeeeen, is iiiiiittttttt

5. We're grown ass people now (I say this to people above 18 'cause the rest of you are too young to even be thinking about any kind of sex. Stop reading this and go look a book). I'm not going to explain that any further 'cause it is what it is. We're big. End of.

Now, all this being said, the same rules that I believe females should apply to oral sex, should apply to males too. It's all well and good that you give head, but don't do it to any and everybody you're messing with, that's just nasty. Luxuries (let me reiterate) LUXURIES like head must be earned and kept exclusively within a serious relationship -that's how the fuck I feel about it, but if that aint your style *shrug* that's ya business.

I hope that my words of infinite bad ass wisdom have persuaded you non-eaters to at least consider trying it. I STRONGLY recommend that you try it at least one time just to see the effects it has on your sex life.

LEAVE A COMMENT you lazy ass (I don't understand why you lot refuse to say shit back to my over-opinionated ass like I don't wanna hear what the fuck you think), click the stupid tick boxes below, if ur on this blogger ting then follow me, and for anyone that wants to get at me or see the other bad ass shit I do (like my bad ass story 'The Unfamous' which you ALL should read coz it's that friggin GOOD), all of my links are at the top of the friggin page.

Since it's relevant to this post, I shall end with one of the earlier SDTV vids from our first series -Head 

(yes I am wearing a tiara and earmuffs! Kiss my ass so what!)

Love Scotty

5 Reasons Why You Got Dashed In the Friend Zone

Right so I was chillin in my room having a little ponder about life, love and such and decided that I was going to do yet another blog post, but this time on 'The Friend Zone' *crazy eyes* DUM DUM DUUUMMMMMMM < that was supposed to be my evil music sfx by the way!


Now at one point or another in our lives each one of us has been put into, or put someone that we weren't so keen on, in the friend zone. I got to thinking about what the key elements were that would make someone get sent there, so to make sure I don't rattle on too much (cause by now you lot should know that I can CHAT) I'm going to list 5 main points.


1. Your outward appearence aint cuttin it. This can be down to your face, body type, dress sense, hair, teeth etc. This is the most common and obvious reason as to why you're in the friend zone. Most of the time it's not because you're butters but simply because you are not exactly that person's cup of tea -though a few of you may be unlucky enough to not be ANYONE'S cup of tea :/ pissed for you. Either way, in the looks department you simply didn't fit the bill, but luckily enough you have an all right personality so you won't get locked off completely, hence -the friend zone.


2. Their friends/family don't like you. If the majority of the people closest to that person don't rate you AT ALL, can't stand you, or feel that there is something off about you that they can't fuck with, then you best just get that relationship fantasy out of your head because the odds are NOT in your favour. Although the friends/family don't like you, that person still does, so you get put in the friend zone -the beneficiary friend zone of course ;). They won't start up anything serious with you, but if you're down to noog anyway, then that option is there.


3.  YOUR SEX WAS WHACK! This shit is universal. What happened was, the person you liked, liked you back, you got to talking and your future was looking bright. You jammed with each other, things got a little hot and heavy...and you were SHIT! NO ONE WANTS TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN'T FUCK! If your sex is whack then you don't even get the half-assed luxury of being a casual beat. Aside from your sex being a FAIL, you're fun enough to JUST chill with -friend zone for you.


4. You were on some LONG TING. These are the people that ruin their own chances. The person liked you and you liked them back, but for some reason you don't seem like a safe bet to them cause it's like you don't know what the fuck you want. While you're sitting there weighing up your options and trying to figure out what it is you do want, that person has decided that you are wasting their time and said 'Fuck it!' Now you're in the friend zone and they've moved onto someone else.


5. Last but not least; people know too much about you. This is an image ting and it usually affects girls more than boys. For example; you've had your fair share of lovers, but unluckily for you -everyone knows about it. Friend zone, no long ting! It doesn't matter how much you like this guy, if his friends are able to report back to him about what and who you've done, then it's case closed. As the saying goes, you can't turn a hoe into a housewife -but as I stated in point #2, if you're down to beat, the option is there....but if you're not getting wifed because of hoe rumours, sleeping with the dude anyway isn't going to alter his opinion of you because by fucking him anyway you're basically confirming that you're loose.


I must say readers I feel slyly proud of myself =D -I wasn't too hostile and I only swore 7 times *round of applause for me*. I don't know whether you found this helpful or not, but I'm sure it was relate-able in one way or another. 


If there are any subjects you would like me to touch upon, or if you just want to get at me in general, holler via my Formspring/Twitter/Facebook (all links at the top of my blog). Make sure you guys check out my story 'The Unfamous' (which I will be converting into audio book form very soon).

Love Scotty

SDTV: Sw!tched Up - Stop Pussy Beggin'

In addition to my last post you can also check out SDTV: Sw!tched Up's view on p**** beggars ;)

Click the 'Swear Down TV' link at the top of my blog for more videos from the team

P**** Begging Is Not Cute

Hey my bad ass readers, Happy New Year and all that good stuff. Now that the niceties are out of the way I can get down to what I jumped on here to do: cuss.

The topic that I would like to touch on today is something that NEEDS to be addressed so that anyone that does it can feel shame and stop carrying on with these less than respectable antics. 

I want to talk about PUSSY BEGGING!

Let me break it down for you; a pussy beggar is a boy that does LAME things like spit gassed Shakespeare bars to try and flower chicks up, or is OVERLY on it to the point where it’s not even cute. Pussy beggars don’t actually know that they are pussy beggars because in their mind they think that they have game. They are wrong.

A perfect example of a PBer (I had to shorten it coz there was too much pussy on my page ;) get it –lame joke, I know. Low me mans tired) that EVERY chick should be able to identify are those random guys (that have 1 mutual friend with you on Facebook) that have chosen to inbox you and chat shit. You don’t know this dude from NOWHERE, you don’t understand why he thought that it was okay to message you like this is match.com, and you just can’t comprehend why he thought that “Hello beautiful, my name is John. You look like an angel in your pictures, I would like to get to know you very much,” was actually going to get him a response and not a block/mark as spam.

Another thing PBers are NOTORIOUS for is not being able to take a fucking hint. 

You know them ones where there are those dudes that are forever popping up on your Facebook chat to chat SHIT and you NEVER reply, but they don’t fucking give up. Persistence isn’t a good thing if people don’t want you to bother them; accept that you don’t have a chance and piss off.

A next example of PBers not being able to take the hint is when they move you on road and come over and say something stupid like ‘Yo my size’ (¬_¬ let me not start), dash in a compliment for good measure, then ask for your number. You’ve decided that you don’t want them and say ‘no’, then you try to continue going about your businesss. Instead of fucking off they follow you and keep talking like they don’t understand what the fuck ‘NO’ means. O_O Why -do you find rejection entertaining or something? GO AWAY! You tell them some gas about you having a man/your phone doesn’t work/you’re a lesbian (high 5 if you’ve used the lesbo line b4 lol), but they refuse to accept it and spit that BAIT pussy beggar line, “I just wanna be your friend. You seem like a nice girl.” ¬_¬ 

FUCK A FRIEND!

I don’t understand why boys say stupid things like that as if chicks don’t know that you’re using the ‘friend’ excuse to try and get bring ins on the FANDANGO at a later date, after they’ve just told you that they don’t want you.

Lastly in the PBers that can’t take a hint category: when you’re in a rave and you’re catching a SICK whine then suddenly you feel some dude press up on your back. You look to see what his face and swag is saying, then you clock that even in the darkness it’s not saying a one, so you take a step away. ATTENTION ALL BOYS: IF THE GIRL STEPS AWAY SHE DON’T WANT TO FUCKING DANCE WITH YOU! GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD! Now later on in the rave, you and your girls have relocated and you see that same dude scoping you out and you PRAYING that he doesn’t try it again...¬_¬ but he does. Doesn’t it get on your tit when even after you’ve rejected them for a dance some of them try to sweet talk you into a it as if they’ve gotten better looking from when they last tried all of 20 minutes ago ¬_¬ it’s like bruv, have shame.

Before I continue can I just say this (cause I know how some man dem are bitch made); this is not directed at all of you (boys), so if you choose to take offence it’s probably because what I said applies to you and you are now embarrassed because I have alerted you to the fact that you are indeed a pussy beggar *hold up hands* don’t be mad at me, that shit is your own damn fault. Fix up.

Anywho...

Now I didn’t just jump on this subject randomly; this particular rant was brought on by some LAME dudes on Twitter who were doing some PROFESSIONAL PBing. Now when I say these guys PB professionally, I mean that their whole Twitter account is dedicated to FLOWERING up chicks with their WEAK Casanova bars (and that's not me just being rude ¬_¬ they really do JUST tweet fruity quotes at chicks). These are the tweet that set me off:

Clock the professional PB name> iRespectFemales: < ¬_¬ give me a fucking break!

"GUYS: just as she started to believe in you...you did the same as every other guy...you broke her heart </3"

“s(he's) br(ok)en” < ¬_¬ #This

“GUYS: its 2011...lets make this a year of LESS broken hearts for the ladies. they've suffered enough. they deserve better.”

Another professional PB name >TreatWomenRight *rolls eyes* 

“A Strong woman has a " BackBone " a backbone that never break's , a backbone that know's love , a backbone that gets her through life” <What the fuck does this shit mean? Its sounds like it’s meant to be ‘deep’ but he’s actually saying fuck all!

“Recognize the powerful energy a woman can give you , they can help a man in ways that the man himself couldn't even see or recognize ♥” < I saw ‘powerful energy’ and that  bitch boy love heart at the end and then> ¬_¬

LAST ONE

TerryJerome 

65% Percent Of Women In The U.S Has Suffered From Heart Break. Lets Make it 0% this Year. < Where did he get these GASSED Dr Love statistics from?

After reading those tweets I’m sure you are all thinking ¬_¬ ‘What kind of shit is this for a man to be saying like it's caj’. If that isn’t anywhere near what you thought, then maybe you’re not as bad ass as I hoped you were *smh*.

Before I finish let me clear something up –there is nothing wrong with being romantic (as bad ass as I am, I’m all for romance, it rocks)/sweet/sensitive (up to a point)/caring yada yada yada, BUT there’s a fine line between being these things and being a pussy beg! Boys use your 'game' with care otherwise you too could be dubbed a PBer.

Comment, click those stupid little tick boxes at the bottom, repost this on your Facebook/Twitter and if you want to get at me or see the other awesome shit I do, click the links at the top of the page.

Love Scotty